The moments that test you as a leader

I am beginning to find the moments that ask deep questions of me as a relatively inexperienced tango leader to be very special indeed – to the extent that I now seek them out – I hover on the edge of failure as this precisely where the air is thin, the learning is deep and both the excitement and the improvement await.

To me there are 3 completely separate and very different questions  that hold up these mirrors for me to learn more about myself – moments where I can try to freeze time and linger longer.

1. The Big Ask

I am sure we all have these moments. A talented, charming, musical  and confident dancer, perhaps someone significantly more experienced than yourself, is unusually sitting waiting at a table.

You have watched her dance from afar – you know she is better than you – now is the moment when you need to ask.

But this is Europe not Argentina, she is talking to friends or in any event not sitting there staring ahead waiting to gracefully refuse or accept your cabaceo with no-one else even noticing.

So you have to move. At least into range where you can catch her eye – perhaps you even have to walk around the room. You have to take a risk.

If you don’t move now the moment will be lost. Memories of the last woman who rejected you at a Milonga – childhood nightmares at school discos, the attraction of the kitchen at parties – whatever the ghosts they will rise up precisely because this is important if you are to progress.

You feel tense. You are not as good as her.

Enjoy discovering yourself, think about how you feel, what holds you back. What feelings and choices like this mean to you as a person. Decide how you want to live your life.

Then move.

Ask her.

2. The Ronda

A very different kind of challenge to The Big Ask. This is something that is in the background for the whole tanda, more appropriately  for the evening – and is so tough for me precisely because it is in the background, and for me much of my effort to improve is to bring her and the music into the foreground.

I am better now – I think – at focussing on only her and the music. But I remain poor at contributing to the Ronda, so that the milonga itself might be more coherent and alive because of my presence within it.

I need to finish the same distance from the more experienced leader that I started behind. I need not to drift towards the centre. I should be aware of every couple around me – what musicality they are feeling – to try to watch them with my peripheral senses – and if I can then in some way resonate with their musicality as well as our own.

This is a huge challenge for me – it seems to correlate with being very aware of your place in life – to not be too self-centred but to seek joy in the intelligent and musical participation of us all. This is a multi-layered story, as we zoom out from ourselves we become aware and appreciative of new patterns, spirals and turns. Couples move around the milonga in the same way that we move around each other.

Paradoxically the more I become lost in the music and the musicality of the follower the harder it is to contribute to the Ronda, to always be aware of my correct place within it. Reconciling these two is a big challenge for me.

3. When she chooses to walk through the other door.

This – I think – is currently the most important challenge for me if I am to progress as a leader.

It is a necessary part of tango that very often I will ask the follower to consider a particular response to an invitation – and she will for whatever reason choose quite another,

This moment – the split second that I realise she has chosen another way – is just amazing. I so wish I could get more time in this moment – that time would freeze and I could practise my response to her unexpected lead.

For now her follow of a different path is in effect the lead for us both. It is up to me to follow her – and in such a way that she never even guessed that I was asking her to consider some other response entirely. She should never know that we changed roles. Or if she does, she should smile.

followers-leaders

I know I fail when she tenses. When she charmingly whispers “sorry”, or when our dance together stumbles – for a moment the magic is suspended – worse of all we just stop and then politely start again.

What I am striving for is the ability to completely welcome that act of creation, and the skill to use it so that we can both move forwards.

Summary

The Big Ask, The Ronda and the Other Door .. for me these test me as a leader.

I am sure that as I continue to stumble along my Tango journey more challenges will demand a different approach, a different skill set – another layer of this deeply fascinating and demanding experience.

I look forward to learning what they will be, and how they are going to help me to improve.

2016 – the year of the Music

This time last year I wrote that since I had almost been dancing for 2 years 2015 was going to be the year I stopped being frightened of amazing women.

Well that almost worked.

Now, fairly obviously, I have been learning Tango for almost 3 years. So what should I aspire to accomplish in 2016? On the one hand I can keep on trying not to be scared of amazing women – and that is totally appropriate. The more I try the more chance I will have of finally being able to relax and enjoy their skill.

Or at least breathe occasionally.

But recently I have been studying Tango music pretty hard, and working on musicality at every opportunity. This has become the focus of my lessons with Kirsty here in Brighton.

I am, to be honest, completely loving this. We only started a few weeks ago and the idea of dancing with an amazing woman for two hours does indeed terrify me. It is hard. So much more familiar to learn steps.

So much safer to be lost in that pupil role, and not have to make your own decisions, not to have to take any risks.

But I am now sure  that musicality has got to be the focus of my efforts in Tango for 2016. To study hundreds of songs across all the commonly danced orchestras. To work hard on Tango, Vals and Milonga, never ignoring any style.

We have a playlist of 6 sides for every weekly lesson. If I just continue that will be 300 songs I will have studied and danced to with a professional teacher and a beautiful, super scary dancer. That is 282 more than my experience so far.

When you attend classes to some extent the material is of course what the teacher wants to share with the group and you take what you can, absorbing it or rejecting it according to your current experience, where you are in your journey and the value you see in it.

But whatever material you are learning, whatever techniques, you can always think about them in the context of the music.

Increasing refinement and understanding of tango music will I hope add a huge level of enjoyment and pleasure to my learning experience.

And who knows – if I focus on the music maybe I won’t be so terrified of that amazing woman. I am a man after all – I can only think of one thing at once.

So do they


You are quiet.

You comply.

So do they.

Sometimes you scream – but absolutely no-one listens.

They hear – but they cover you with noise.

This is a judgement call they make.

They can’t let themselves hear you.

If they did they would have to wake up.

No-one wants to wake up to this.

So you still yourself. And in doing so you deny everything that matters.

Tango – the moment before the door shuts

Here in this very present moment you are privileged to be with this individual follower. She has accepted your invitation to hold her close and to create something through movement together to this emotionally consistent and tight tanda – just 10 minutes of one orchestra, one time slot – two singers. And her.

We have both blown our lives and now in this 10 minutes we get the chance to stitch everything back together again. To imagine our lives as it should have been, with the perfect woman and the perfect man. Being the person we always wanted to become, full of promise.

The conversations, the exploration. When I was younger. And now again to this music, with her. I always wanted to feel like I do now, in this moment – when one song dies away and we don’t even break our embrace – we stand in the stillness waiting for the orchestra – and in that intense vortex we become so aware of each other.

dark-dance

But Tango is always fundamentally unresolved.

It is about yearning, immigrants around the ports of Argentina were separated from their homelands. They were poor. They imagined and called out for life to be different – for cogs to turn again, for dice to be recast. They reached out for the door that was slowly closing.

And this is indeed where the conversation takes place. I invite, and you respond. And we are back there – each of us – when we still had a chance. Before the years of mistakes and compromises accumulated and the door finally closed.

chained door

And to me that is what tango is – revisiting the moment before the door finally shuts  – when everything was still possible.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tango and the East – and something to learn?

There are so many things about Tango that seem to me to align so strongly with asian martial arts and philosophies.

If it was possible to categorise and analyse them – of course in itself  a western approach – I would think about :

The emphasis on technique

Both martial arts and tango strongly emphasise technique, the purest way to perform the simplest of moves. Technique underpins everything.

The repetition of the basic gestures

In both fields students endlessly repeat the most basic elements as good technique is a fundamental requirement for any level of proficiency. A punch – a pivot.  A kick, a step. Weight, balance, rotation and energy.

martial-arts-class1

The learning of figures and patterns – even though we should not use them

Katas, figures, moves – the early ones give us a vocabulary as a beginner, the more advanced ones stretch us as intermediates and then for when it matters – a conflict or a dance that we care about – we must abandon them.  Figures allow us to practise combinations of elements, and then we turn to true improvisation when we are using our skills for the moments that we have been putting all those hours.

The role of the guru

Something so complex needs teachers, and as we progress – a guru.

I like this definition from urban dictionary .. of a guru .. –

a teacher and especially intellectual guide in matters of fundamental concern

.. an intellectual guide – so yes – we have at the beginning teachers who can help us with physical matters and technique but as we become more accomplished we need intellectual – and even spiritual – guidance in these disciplines – the mind is what is important.

The philosophical acceptance that this is a complex subject

In both disciplines students have the sense that this is an endless subject – something that they can never truly master. This is part of the appeal – that it will always ask and offer more.

The connection to the floor and to the heavens

So often we here of the importance of the floor in Tango, and that we should in some way be down from the hips and lift up above them. We push from  the floor and we reach for the sky – the same teachings of Tai Chi could quite literally be applied to Tango – this extract is actually describing Tai Chi but what student of Tango would not agree :

Be heavy and rooted on the bottom, light and supple on top. Don’t move the arms separately form the body, move as one unit, flowing and uninterrupted….No hollows or protrusions, weight down form the coccyx and up from the top of the head.

The concept of  journey for the student

Tango is indeed a journey – so many times the answer to a question is – “it depends where you are on your journey”

Here – again – is a description of Tai Chi

—Tai Chi is process, the point of it is the evolution of the practitioner, not the acquisition of the art.

Softness and technicque generates power and strength

One of the greatest parallels for me – where I am as a student in my Tango journey – is that it is so easy for the student to use far more force than necessary. With correct technique, a lack of tension, good grounding and practised balance so much can be achieved with so little external force.

TAI-CHI

Something to Learn?

Actually there is a difference in the way we study. In the majority of martial arts – not all – the group will indeed practise the fundamentals of for example one punch, or one kick – as individuals within the group. Later in the class patterns, or katas – will be worked on.

But in the average tango class the first part of the class does not have students repeating the basic moves such as steps and pivots – with a teacher to copy. I have only experienced this with Joao Alves in Seville – where every single class, whatever level, starts with this approach – walking as a group up and down in front of the mirror – with him – perfecting balance and single movements such as a pivot in isolation.

An alternative approach that also works very well is that used by a wonderful teacher whose classes I attend every week in London – in his advanced classes he will indeed start with a figure and extend it – but he repeatedly stresses that the figure is irrelevant as it is choreography only – what matters is what we learn by analysing it and breaking it down.

Instead most normal tango classes immediately work on a figure, or set of figures – that form the choreography of the day. There are many, many classes I have attended where success is measured by the students ‘getting the figure’ with no emphasis or explanation on the purity of the movements and the techniques within it.

This is understandable – teachers need students to feel they are making progress and the accumulation of patterns assists with this learning process – but with this kind of teaching and preoccupation with figures in my view the student’s ability to dance Tango in a pure way, centred and relaxed within themselves and the music is impaired.

This to me is quite a fundamental difference is the way that students learn these two subjects. Imagine the chaos if in martial arts classes beginners were asked to spend most of the class fighting each other. Yet that is exactly what we ask beginners at Tango to do – dance with others when it is obvious that neither know how to do so.

Tango – you took the red pill didn’t you..

So at some time in your life you saw tango, or someone mentioned it.

And without you realising the significance of that moment you made a choice. You decided to take the first steps on something that at the time you had no idea was even a journey. You were probably just curious – you may have felt some inner resonance – that yes – this is what you were missing in your life.

But in fact – as you now know – you were facing a choice so fundamental that your life would never be the same again. The physical world would change for you – what you needed to feel whole would take you to a place that would ask so many questions of you.

You chose Tango – or it perhaps it chose you – and you were about to find out how deep the rabbit hole goes.

You take the blue pill, the story ends. You wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, you stay in wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes.Morpheus, to Neo

So I just wonder – now you know what you know – a few years on from that moment – would you still choose the Red pill?

Crossing a New Frontier – When Tango Technique is at your service

Periodic reviews with a wonderful teacher who knows you and has taught you since the very beginning are so powerful. Weekly classes help with so many things as slowly we improve – but there is something quite different about working again with your teacher after a gap of 3 or 4 months.

I have benefited so much from this process. By coincidence when I first started I was booked on a holiday to Seville, and so I asked to find a teacher and started working with Joao Alves. And I have come back here every 3 or 4 months for the two and a half years that have now gone by.

joaodemo

 

This visit – which started yesterday – already feels new and fresh. Unusually I was asked to dance for half an hour – with the incredibly talented, good humoured and ever patient Rebecca – while he sat and made notes. Based on this he will set a plan for the lessons for the week. What he thinks is weak – what to work on.

This process in itself showed me so much progress. It was 6 months before I could get through a single song with anything that I felt even remotely resembled a dance, probably a year before I could manage a tanda and about 18 months until I felt it was really appropriate for me to go to a milonga and invite women to dance who did not know me. Now here we were – and I am dancing in front of him for over half an hour.

I stopped just once – and this in itself was a moment he did not like – so already a lesson is set – I must dance with him while he fakes moments where he gets my lead wrong – and I must adapt to his ‘mistake’ without for a moment breaking the dance.

But it was a conversation in the local bar after the lesson that made such an impression on me. He felt that there was a frontier now – that up till now I have been always at the service of the technique – trying to learn the technical structure of Tango – axis, balance, weight – the embrace, and of course the figures. Now he feels that for the first time the technique I have learned is starting to be at my service – leaving me to enjoy the music and feel such pleasure in the dance.

This is not to say that the journey to learn technique is over – far from it – I have of course only just started. But certainly he is right that there are so many whole tandas now where all I am thinking of is the dance itself, the music and the follower. Decisions of navigation, of what figure to dance next are pushed into the subconscious.

These kinds of  changes take these intermittent, periodic reviews to understand. We cross levels as we learn, and sometimes those step changes in ability are best seen from a distance, not in the details of daily and weekly lessons.

It also takes wisdom and authenticity from the teacher to say these things at appropriate times.

I have also noticed – and so has he – that there is a difference in energy, and that I am smiling a lot more. How fantastic is that – to enjoy such a beautiful dance for exactly what it is – a chance to express emotions and feelings in the music using a structure that you are confident in and excited by.

It is – absolutely – a dance.

I am trying to find my way in tango

For a few days now I have felt like I am walking very slowly forwards into some dark place – reaching blindly into the gloom  in front of me. My feet are slowly exploring, unsure of the floor ahead of me.

At times I am turning and lost, going away from whatever it is that I am trying to find. Shadows gesture vaguely as I slowly pass them by – in this dark place they may be encouraging me, protecting me, or pointing the way –  they may be a distraction – I can never be sure and so I hesitate and falter. I misread them.

child dark

My hands are held out in a gesture of some kind of protection, but also to try to find something. Or someone. They are soft and inquisitive – they offer no protection, simply  trying to warn me if something is there before I clumsily collide with it.

It seems that what I am looking for might be very fragile, and that in the act of finding it I might be clumsy, and break it.

I feel a definite sense of something missing. This has been with me for a while. That it should no longer be like this, this journey. It was and I understood that – but not any longer, now this is simply wrong. I wonder what this means. At times it feels that this is the longing of Tango and this is just how it is, in other moments I am sure that Tango itself is trying to resolve that longing, and to do that I need some new experience, that I need to unlock some key to a higher level.

It feels like I have reached some kind of crossroads. That I need more, but I know that as always what I need must come from within me, that others can only guide me – they cannot take my place. They cannot dance for me.

When that is what I sense I feel both calm and panic at the same time. Calm that I understand I need something and I can accept that, fear that I might not find it.

Panic that I might not be able to breathe any more, that I will be left alone in this darkness. That everything will become too much for any one person to bear.

That I might break her in the act of finding her.

Destroying and Rebuilding my Tango Embrace

I am excited. I am worn out. My back hurts, my arms ache. My hips  feel weird. I am trying to breathe with my back. This is challenging stuff that requires hours of patient practise and analysis. For months and months – if not years.

It is a lovely sunny day out there in Hove and while the world is on the beach or outside busy bars, I am sweating away by myself in my front room.

Why?

Because some wise words that have been repeated over the years have finally, finally sunk in. As a leader the embrace is pretty damn important – and I have put mine under the microscope and found it sadly lacking.

I recently started using videos of myself dancing – which has been wonderful – and now I have taken that concept one more dangerous idea further forwards and started to freeze the frames.

Oh dear – so that is what I actually am doing, that noisy, constricting rubbish is what I am giving to the follower to express herself within. She absolutely should fire me.

And so here is one such frame, from a social dance with a talented  follower – I am just so ashamed. The video as a whole looks fine , but break it down, freeze it, and this is the rubbish I am actually giving her to work with :

Hunched embrace

 

She is looking beautiful in that dance not because of me, not supported by me – but because she is talented. There is simply nothing to say about my posture in this frozen frame that is anything other than a complete condemnation :

  • Head forwards
  • Hunched shoulders
  • Waving hand
  • Open Hand
  • Weight all over the place
  • Elbows not in front giving her no space
  • Shoulders Tilted… I could go on….

So I have been ignoring the rare sunny day out there, I have been sweating, everything is screaming – but I have been trying to create something like this:

 

new embrace

Two inches taller, hips slightly back into a true neutral, frame solid and quiet, chest up and expansive and forwards – head brought forwards only by the inflation of the embrace and still out of the way. Everything offered to the follower as her complete prerogative to how she would like to use it.

Maybe its easier when its raining outside?

Don’t be silly – this stuff is never going to be easy. But I am quietly optimistic – I have great teachers and maybe with their help I can destroy and rebuild so that I can go forwards on the kind of solid foundation that followers might enjoy – it is all about them, and the music – maybe a few more months and I can at least stop holding them back and allow them to express their beauty and individually in this wonderful dance.

 

 

 

 

What really happens when Tango inspires you?

When Tango works it’s magic it produces a very special sensation.

Not for the first time I am trying to work out why it is actually so special – and exactly what that sensation is. I am very aware that people with a whole lot more experience than me have already written extensively about this. But I am still thoughtful about what is happening to me, and why. I will probably look back on this blog in another two years and realise I just had absolutely no understanding at all – but that learning and step changes of understanding is one of the things that makes everything so exciting.

So what actually happens?

To me something takes place, if it is going to happen at all – in the very first seconds of embracing someone. I think we always enter the embrace – if we don’t know someone of course – with the hope that this might be special. Within those first few moments that hope is either completely denied or carried forwards as a possibility.

When the first embrace feels positive – that we hold each other in an appreciative, meaningful and respectful way – I think the most important thing is that as a leader I wait for a few moments. I am unclear exactly what happens – but I get the sense that quietness invites both of us to concentrate on complex feelings – on the emotions between us and the possibility that we can express the musical landscape in our dance. That this dance together need not be another mindless rush through a meaningless series of patterns.

I also think that with that initial delay the embrace adjusts yet again – to something that a teacher of mine recently described as a high resolution embrace. There is a tangible awareness that something is possible – that we both have enough structure in our Tango. Now there is a presence of a physical tension and of excitement.

But for anything to build from this that initial expectation it still needs a validation – which for me happens in the first few steps – simple and timely movements that follow the most basic and familiar structures of Tango. As a leader I must be so aware that the follower is still anxious – that she perhaps feels the promise – but is worried that I am going to blow it with poor musicality, or arrogance, or that we just won’t get on, that I will hold her too tightly or not give her enough time – or any other basic fault that cause her to lapse back into that mindset of worrying what comes next – or even worse what comes now – rather than losing herself to the structure of an embrace and expressing her femininity within a code that she can fully trust.

But why is this happening to me recently?

The answer I have is that because after over two years of trying so hard to learn – I can at last dance Tango as a dance. Of course only at a very basic level – but I am convinced I am now dancing – starting to be creative – listening to the music, understanding more – and above all listening to the follower and being responsive to her.

Tango is a huge journey – and one of the milestones we pass at some stage is that we can actually dance – and not have to plan, panic and analyse, we  can instead offer ourselves to a complete stranger confident in the structure of Tango itself, the music and what we have learned. We can dance together.

Before that moment in our journey nothing truly special is likely to happen – what we feel instead is a great and justifiable sense of achievement at having got through 10 minutes without making a complete idiot of ourselves. This in itself is a huge ask – Tango for the first couple of years is a scary place – in my opinion especially for leaders who tend to be less natural dancers – and it is not surprising that we focus so hard on assembling enough steps and confidence to get us through.

So the embrace feels positive. The first few steps work. What then builds on this opportunity to make the kind of Tanda where you don’t even want to break the embrace between songs? Where at the end you each acknowledge that was something special. I can of course only speak as a leader still at the very beginning of my own journey.

One thing is pauses – I really care that within the first song the follower realises that I am going to give her time to express herself. Because it is a wonderful feeling to give her time, and also because I want to know how she will use it.

I often feel the follower – within the first song – change her embrace. This I think is an expression of her trust – that I have earned her respect – that she feels safe and now wants give herself to our dance and to the music more than she was prepared to do a few moments ago. I find that change of embrace incredibly exciting – it is a direct physical sensation of someone ultimately taking a risk and giving herself to me – for us to dance as one person she more than me has to take risks — in essence to depend on me –  what a privilege when she looks for this and expresses it so directly. She changes her weight distribution that creates a single axis which needs both of us to work – and that decision is a risk for her. When she makes that change she needs me to dance with her.

So this is the the way it seems to happen…

  • First of all our initial embrace told us both that a connection exists.
  • An initial stillness focusses ourselves on each other and the possibilities of our Tango
  • Then the first steps reassure us of our mutual structures, learning and experience. There are going to be no tricks.
  • Our musicality is validated – we are comfortable in the movements we make and the way they fit to the music.
  • Pauses – she can relax knowing that she is going to be given time to express herself.
  • The follower feels that she can truly relax into this Tanda and changes her embrace to commit to us as a couple

The result of all of this is that for me the partner disappears as an individual. This is perhaps a strange thing to say, but after all in close embrace Tango we are practically invisible to each other in terms of sight.

I think this is so important, and yet another area where I have been so slow on the uptake. It seems to me that this is nothing about us as individuals instead for both of us the other exists as an archetype – an idealisation of the perfect woman or man, or emotion, or perhaps more simply they become the perfect shared experience for this moment, and this music. We have committed to each other and really do move as if we were one living thing, one shared emotional experience within which we can be completely lost as individuals.

It is precisely when this special feeling is not present – when we just socially dance together, and talk between songs about where we are from or how long we have been dancing or anything else to fill a silence – that we do still exist as individuals, we have failed to become whatever it is that two people dancing close embrace Tango beautifully together do become.

So now I want to improve – I want to get this Tango feeling more often. What should I focus on?

My new creative life